There's a line in a song that says "If I could turn back time".
. . They're simple words, yet they had an intensely profound meaning to me
as I struggled to rid myself of my forty-year addiction to cigarettes.
I spent my teenage years in the 1960's - a time when two fingers held up in
the air meant "peace", a time when we challenged anyone in authority
(especially our parents) and a time when the bravest of us experimented with
"free love" and drugs.
My parents both smoked heavily, as did the vast majority of their friends.
I'm not going to use that as an excuse to justify my smoking habit because
I chose to smoke, so the consequences are mine and mine alone. No one put
a gun to my head and forced me to smoke.
I can remember the sickening dizziness, nausea and dry retching that accompanied
my first smoke almost as if it was yesterday. I can also remember asking myself
why I would want to feel like that and answering that I was going to smoke
because I could. I could do whatever I liked because I was a "flower
child". I was thirteen years old. . .
Today I am a much wiser than that naive thirteen year-old little girl. Sadly,
however, it has taken two heart attacks, congestive heart failure, a stroke
and emphysema to make me see that, once the NicoDemon has you in his grip,
he is not going to let go easily. I am 18 months into my quit and I know that,
if I blow it and smoke again, I might as well just go and sign my own death
certificate, dig my own grave and crawl in. Now I lay me down for keeps. .
.
If I could turn back time, I would knock some sense into that stupid little
girl. I would tell her about all the things she's going to miss later in life.
I'd tie her to the bedpost until she woke up to the horrible damage she is
preparing to do to herself. I would do these things because I loved her, because
I want her to have a normal, happy life.
If I could turn back time, I wouldn't have been a virtual prisoner in my house,
living on a disability pension that barely paid the bills, making no allowance
for even the slightest "luxury". I wouldn't struggle for breath
as I slowly walked from one room to another. I wouldn't have had to sit there
feeling useless as I watched my precious husband try to juggle working, caring
for me, shopping, cooking, cleaning, gardening and everything else that goes
into maintaining a household - all the things that used to be my job.
If I could turn back time, I wouldn't have had to turn down invitations to
parties and other functions only because I knew I wouldn't be able to climb
the stairs. I wouldn't have had to time my showers so my husband was around
to help dry me and dress me because I ran out of breath and strength, unable
to take care of myself. I wouldn't have had to stare longingly at the swimming
pool on a scorching hot day, wishing someone would come along, because my
cardiologist has told me that my heart is too fragile to ever risk swimming
alone.
If I could turn back time, I wouldn't have to swallow eighteen pills a day
to keep me alive. I wouldn't have to live every minute of every day with the
knowledge that my life has been considerably shortened by my own hand.
If I could turn back time, I would be able to pick up my precious grandchildren
and walk or play with them, instead of having to sit back and wait for someone
put them on my lap. I would be able to do all the things I took for granted
before I let the NicoDemon mess up my life, things like walking in the forest,
riding a bike, singing, driving, running in the wind for the sheer joy of
it, browsing in the markets on a Sunday morning, gardening, going to the beach
(the sand plays havoc with the wheels on my electric scooter). I would be
truly alive instead of just existing.
If I could turn back time, I wouldn't have to sit here, telling my story to
you. I sincerely hope that the reason you're reading this is because you have
decided to quit smoking, too.
Please don't let this happen to you. Don't wait until it's too late for you,
like it is for me. Because, you know, no matter how hard you want to - and,
God, do I want to, you can't turn back time.
Posted at Ciggyfree with permission from the author
If I Could Turn Back Time
by Brenny